Fatherhood...my journey into unknown waters.

I sit now in the silence of my mind contemplating what today may mean to me in about 9 months from now. Kate and I today return to our fertility doctor  to take the final step in our IVF treatment, the implantation of the fertilized embryos into Kate's uterus. I now find myself dumbfounded at the possibility of being a father at a later stage of my life.

Likely I am one of the last of my high school classmates to have had children. Having to face infertility has challenged me on many levels, I have been largely able to handle it by focusing upon my wife and not looking too deeply into myself. Yet now less than 12 hours away from this dream potentially becoming a reality, I cannot run any longer from myself. There are days when I feel like I am a study in failures of every size and scope.

This is despite what many of my closest friends say is the opposite of the supremely confident man they know. Many things that lurk within the darkest parts of my psyche bubble to the surface of my mind's eye at moments such as this. I have to admit that I am terrified of the idea that I would be permitted to be a father.

When that thought finally hit me I began to list all of my faults and failings as a human being.  I cry tears of sorrow and joy equally mixed for various reasons. One of the first is that my father will never get to see or hold his grandchildren from myself and Kate. Next is the question do I deserve to be a father after serving in combat and helping to kill other human beings?

Forgive my maudlin ramblings but I cannot help myself but to think about what my life has been to this point. I am an itinerant writer, philosopher, and lackadaisical student of the human condition. What business do I have in creating life and then being responsible for that human being's education, welfare, and upbringing? While I am not the first man to have these thoughts mine are well uniquely of my own creation.

Kate is so much stronger than I and it is for her that I keep my voice silent of the doubts and questions. I could not ask for a better friend, lover, and most importantly stunningly beautiful woman to share my life with. I have to wonder now how my father felt when he and my mother found out that I was growing in her womb?

On a slightly humorous note, my parents were hoping for a girl rather than a boy as I would have been, if born female, the eldest granddaughter on both sides of my family. I was told this as a young boy, talk about things that come back to mind when you are least expecting them.  That rates right up there with your mother and father telling you that your sister was conceived to the song "Paradise by the dashboard light" by Meatloaf. Yeah I still threaten to send my mother the therapy bill for that little bit of too much information.

But what scares me most in spite of this potential miracle so much hangs upon something that is amazingly fragile. I have had nightmares about being back in combat again and rather than being told I have lost my father, that I lost my child and my wife. That very image within my mind horrifies me and makes me wake in a cold sweat praying to my gods that its only my fears that plague my unwanted dreams.

There is nothing I would not sacrifice or suffer to provide for my family, I would break my body and soul a million times over to see them cared for. Now I sit contemplating what it will mean to me if this dream comes to pass?  I have to admit as well that this journey for me has been harder than just about anything I have ever experienced.

Watching my wife endure countless injections and vaginal ultrasounds in our drive to become pregnant. I know that she considers me to be far more than a sperm donor yet my daemons plague me with doubts. I at times feel so utterly useless and undeserving of such a magnificent woman in my life. Kate has endured so much and I am often left feeling lost and in the way of progress?

Again I don't have an answer to why I feel this way and I understand why this is so difficult for couples. Being under fire in combat wasn't as scary as realizing that you cant' conceive normally. It also makes me boil with a silent and cold fury at those whom seem to have children and then treat that gift as  though it were an inconvenient and unwanted nuisance.

Also given my wife's strong feminist identity I have to understand that ultimately it is she not I whom must undergo the trials and tribulations of pregnancy. Having grown up in a post Roe vs. Wade United States and coming to the realization that if she so desired to terminate an unwanted pregnancy. I have no real authority or recourse and it makes this prospect more frightening than it was before.

I find myself at odds with the idea that I am basically as far as the law goes really nothing at all other than a contributing bystander. Yet I am strangely accepting of this as I understand because of this what it is that women face in this even today still dangerous process of conception and ultimately giving birth. It is women whom bear the greatest risks and potential losses in the perpetuation of our species.

I personally view all life as sacred and deserving of protection from anything that would endanger that life. Yet I do not believe that life as far as sentient life begins at the moment of conception. I have very strong feelings about abortion as well as the landmark case that made it the law of the land via the Constitution. I am however sensitive to the fact that it is not a trivial topic despite its treatment in the realm of the 6 second sound bite media that we know today.

Perhaps it is that I accept the fact that life is complicated enough without passing judgement on the most intimate of human activities, giving birth to a child. I have come to accept that life as I know it is full of contradictions and conflicting desires, beliefs, and ultimately needs. I do not condemn any woman whom makes her choice for ultimately it is they whom must bear the costs of that choice for the rest of their lives.

In fact I find it reprehensible that both sides treat the women whom face that choice as little more than a football to be kicked around for points. Now having to face the prospect of becoming a father it further forces me to look at what life does really mean. I respect the right of my fellow citizens to voice their beliefs and views, in fact I went to war to defend those rights and to see those rights were extended to a subjugated Iraqi people.

I don't expect my thoughts on this night to make sense to anyone even myself. I hope and pray to my gods, my ancestors, and the great mother whom we all depend that I am granted the sacred charge of being a father. Again forgive my ramblings and musings as I am a jumble of thoughts, hopes, fears, and dreams of holding my a baby or potentially babies in my arms.

I hope that I am both worthy and up to such a monumental task. I will not let my fears rob me of the joy that bubbles up from my soul at the idea of being called "daddy". I know when that day finally arrives I will weep unashamed of the public display of raw emotion of becoming a father. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share this with you, I have bared my soul to let these words flow from my fingers to this medium. May all of you be blessed for the support and friendship you have shared with me and Kate.


Jared